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ponderings, musings, filth, smut, love ... romance, ruminations, redundancy! ... a tribute to Master, a refuge for His baby girl.
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unfortunate for fortunate me
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Feb 13, 2007 5:08 am
1528 Views
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i've got lots to be thankful about ... but its still too bad that i'm affected as i am. Some have affectations, you know, like Lenny Kravitz -- i mean, its not enough to do the Hendrix 'fro and the big movie-star glasses ya've gotta have the nose piercings and the chains around the neck and the tattoos and the fur trimmed collars and bell-bottoms and ........... wow. Affectation can really consume people.
i'm a different kind of affected.
i'm affected when i CARE!
Right now, excitement consumes me because my new website is going live this week! And i'm a little sad because as is life, once you move on, you have to say goodbyes. Most of the world is pretty fickle. Hey, even i'm fickle in a funny way. i'm looking for the next best thing -- that thrill-seeking thing again i suppose. But when i find real genuine connection, i latch on for dear life and NEVER let go.
So what am i trying to say? i'm trying to say that the popularity contest started to get to me! i'll admit it. i'm weak that way. i started to care less about what i had to say and more about IF i could move people. i want the flocks and the droves at my doorstep -- i want that Mistress appeal -- the one that says my smile will light up the lowly and some big honor will have been bestowed upon them because "for some reason", they'll either look up to me or be smitten by me.
me, me, me. i stopped caring about my little bubble and started caring TOO MUCH (again) about what others thought of me, me, me.
i don't test well. i don't do contests. NOW, ironically, i'll get to CONTROL my world. Now to just rest easy and ENJOY the flood of my emotions rather than all the wondering and distress over CARING about why no one is holding my hand, patting me on the back, commenting on my blog!
Pretty pathetic, no? Its instilled in me. i got rid of it with Master's help and then it came back once i didn't make that "most likely to succeed" list.
Aww, poor, poor baby. Poor, poor baby is a happy baby because when pressure and competition are removed from her world, she is much more generous and gracious a person.
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dot com or dot cum ??
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Feb 6, 2007 6:39 am
1715 Views
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Hmmm ... which looks better on me?
Just a little teaser for now but i am VERY excited and working diligently (read: obsessively!) and i look forward to sharing some new news with all of you soon!
slave2bholed ...
what do you think? Try it on me -- try it out.
Add com or add cum?
i think they both work well! ~wink~
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WET + SHAFT = a good lube for my state of mind
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Jan 26, 2007 6:59 pm
1892 Views
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i went to see the doctor today because oddly enough, i was having "pain from intercourse" last week. i couldn't quite say "it really hurt when Master f-ed me this time" so i had to use that "pain from intercourse" lingo. At my last exam, i ALMOST slipped and said "pussy". It is pretty tough to shift gears and use medical language. Even flipping back and forth between slave third person and conventional woman first person is easier!
It really is strange and that is EXACTLY what i told the doctor. i explained that i have no problem at all with really rough and really deep and in fact, i like it that way (i didn't say "love" because i didn't want her to feel badly as in potentially feeling left out). i was trying to get her to understand that even when it hurts its not a bad hurt. This was different -- i had a really unusual pain that had me clench down and resist Master's cock, thus causing even more pain probably (pain of the undesirable sort).
i did not get to telling her that i'm a ragdoll.
Up on the wall was the dreaded menopause poster. she assured me it had nothing to do with that. i said, yeah, well, what about that part there and i pointed to the poster. "Thinning of the vaginal wall causing pain during intercourse ...". She said, no, no, that is not it.
i felt like i got the high five that my vaginal walls are plump and thriving and menopause is not for me in this life-time. Personally, i have no intention of getting it EVER.
she had her hand up there -- well, it felt like her hand because she said she was trying to move around in there in a variety of ways in order to try and mimic all the possibilities of my "partner" inside me.
she asked if my bowels were full at the time.
i don't remember. Maybe. Full as in a cock in there? Yeah, well, sure. But that's never a problem.
she asked if it was a new position.
No. W/we've covered them all and with all sorts of variations to the variations.
she said that my uterus is tilted back as opposed to the other positions and she said that means my cervix could be getting hit (attacked, pummeled) from underneath. i've heard about this tipping back thing before and apparently its to my advantage. i asked her if the cervix isn't with the g-spot on the other side but she dismissed me instantly as if to say the g-spot is fantasy and DEFINITELY not a medical term.
Well, i guess she WAS feeling left out this time!
i did not get to telling her that i'm a ragdoll who squirts all over the place when that non-existent fantasy place is pounded.
i decided to take a guess and i asked, well, maybe i was dry or something? she guffawed in a friendly big sister way -- "no -- that is DEFINITELY not your problem" (add here, serious sloshing around sounds coming directly from my cunt).
Well, who knows. she gave me a good clean bill of health for the bad dirty little girl-woman, slave-child. Sometimes i think i know things that doctors don't know.
Meanwhile, i took my car into its doctor. The mechanic. i have to go back. Something about the cam-shaft. i'm told that that is better than something being wrong with the crank shaft (and definitely better than getting the shaft) but then i'm not really too worried. Now with my doctor's reaffirmation of today, i really don't ever seem to have a problem with shafts. ~wink~
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incessant chatter -- and a CURE!
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Jan 24, 2007 5:53 am
1985 Views
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i have a little person in my life who can talk incessantly. Once i've left the listening platform and my mind is already onto the bills to pay or the to-do items to solve, figure out, correct, i become impatient. i can't BEAR the chatter! Okay -- okay -- OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY! i just need it to stop. And i depart while my body still sits there. i'm not present at all but for physically.
i don't know how Master can bear me sometimes. i get like that. i can prattle on about so much that in time i exhaust myself. 100 to zero in six seconds flat -- the opposite of a fast car. The other day i must have droned on and on through bath time when Master bathed me rather than me bathing myself, through the entire breakfast, through the three block walk to the parking garage and then i announced that i felt ready to collapse i was so tired.
i've got alot on my mind -- what can i say? i exhaust myself more than i exhaust anyone else. Now i'll address an array of things on my mind ...
Laments.
Laments are one thing and they're okay i suppose but they annoy me to an extent. Laments mean that things need to change! Who wants to get stuck in an endless loop of static or stagnancy? Every now and then i read a blog that expresses the same woe over and over ... a lack of commitment from a Dom -- that one REALLY gets me. It actually ticks me off. But that's another subject. Suffice to say, life complaints as opposed to love complaints are entirely different. Life can be changed but not as readily -- its course is sometimes temporarily out of your hands, whereas, to the contrary, love can always be changed and if you're burdened, its your own fault.
What i'm referring to are blogs that express love that almost feel like unrequited love. Sure, Masters don't go around professing love for Their slaves, but when i read about the constant unavailability of a Master to His slave, i have to question the intentions of the Master and the naivete of the slave. i may long for my Master all the time and i may feel blue without Him, but in time, things get better and easier, things GROW, the song does NOT remain the same.
Okay. Whew! That was a round-about way of saying what i need to say to someone here on alt but can't. i'm not a heart-breaker unless i'm saving myself because no one else saved me first.
Now to be the chatty-cathy who drives me crazy, i will state that i awakened this morning still sick but not AS sick and still, i'm not going to work. i have TOO much to do. i have plans to make, places to go, pursuits to conquer. Like the advice i'd love to give someone (as mentioned above), i'll use it for myself. i NEED TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN! i cannot allow life to dictate my life! i need Master and i need my passions -- and that is all anyone needs. Your guiding force even if just a star and your insides -- it will get you a warm cozy bed and the shelter you need. You really just need direction and a soul.
i came up with my very own little anthem upon waking. It goes like this:
We are artists.
We are STARVING!
We have jobs.
We have careers.
AND STILL, neither is the path of passion.
There we go. That's it!
i have ... how many different jobs? Employee, homemaker, expressive, slave. Most of all, i'm a sensualist. The poor slave suffers for the others but at least, "slave" is an acquired designation when you're a submissive sensualist. Its like being good with numbers and then becoming an accountant. You make the leap and take the test and you become an officially approved CPA.
i'd like the expressive and the slave to unionize and have the others go on strike! i actually like the homemaker though -- maybe she could have two or three days in her occupation. i like making breakfast and having delectables in the house (and between my legs) and the thought of making a hearty split pea soup today comforts me in much the same way as sleeping with Master. i like playing house, i like nesting, i just don't like the PRESSURE for what is mandatory -- i like it so much better when i can be a creative homemaker. i'm more nurturing that way.
Yesterday i discovered that someone beat me to the punch. It was a creative pursuit and everyone who has ever peddled their art will understand me when i say i am SEETHING CONTEMPT! my idea was employed AND PUBLISHED! i avoided looking at it once discovered. Then i garnered the strength to inform myself. Thankfully, its not that great. And its with my premise (darnit mY premise -- mY concept -- mY territory!!) and ...................... i've got to rework it. Its meant! Its meant that i was to revise and edit and re-think the project -- come up with yet another angle or direction -- make it better -- BETTER! Things only get better, right? Isn't that what i said before?
Evolution. Growth. BETTER. Better than ever. Better tomorrow -- it will be even better tomorrow! (i'm trying to psych myself up rather than wallow in upset.)
God, dear God, GRANT mE THE TIME i need to deliver my passions. Its not enough to keep them bottled up in here. i need time! TIME! Precious time! The bills, the sign-up sheets, the permission slips, the returns, the errors to correct, the problems to solve, the job, the JOBS, the shopping and planning and doctor appointments and sports and backing up the MAKING-mE-MAD computer ------------ OH and the passport appointment and the ............................................. gym, nail salon, practice with the dildo. Gosh that's right! Master wants me practicing with that dildo down my throat! i've so disappointed Him what with this small mouth of mine having such difficulty deep throating STILL TO THIS DAY! (Wow -- why did i bring that up? That depresses me! i want to be perfect!)
Oh Lord, please, send me some troops to fend off the onslaught. Send me patience to deal with those who are just like me with their chatter and their laments. Grant me FRUITION and PROSPERITY on my projects! Please let them not be in vain. i'm selling me -- me, God, mE! That's why it hurts when its not scooped up with vigor.
And God, PLEASE tie my hands so that i don't look at anymore trashy trailers at the dirtboxbitches site -- but then again, at least its reassuring -- they say they are all about face-f-ing and yet very few actually get it down their throats!
(Note to Master -- please bear with Your baby! she's getting there! And see, Master? she's even doing on-line research which is interfering with making progress on her to-do list! And see? There are other girls who can't get it down their throats! But she's trying! she's trying! she wants to be the best cock-whore around so that she can lounge around -- but never rest on her laurels -- reveling in Your pride and ............................. wow, she's tired again. -- Ahh! But wait a minute! Now she understands. A cock in her mouth is a gag in her mouth. No more chatter! Brilliant!)
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Please help me, PLEASE!
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Jan 23, 2007 7:03 pm
1859 Views
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Please help me to go to sleep! The flu, the thoughts, the imaginings ... Nyquil! i need Nyquil! And a cold shower ... but as you can see, that could mean STIMULATION, no sleep!
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sick & horny
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Jan 23, 2007 7:03 pm
1669 Views
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i can't help it! i've got a million visuals flashing through my head! i'm sick and i'm horny! SOS! Please forgive me for these worthless blogs today!
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flippin' the bird ... irreverence for saccharine!
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Jan 23, 2007 1:52 pm
1530 Views
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There is a guy in our office who comes in every Monday sing-song-ing "Happy Monday" to various people in the office. my friend -- the one who says things straight (the one i wrote about in my "new office lingo" blog) says that when she hears him coming with that "Happy Monday Suzie! Happy Monday Betty! Happy Monday Cornelia!" crud, she just wants to look him in the eye with a smile and give him the finger.
my friend's reaction always makes my Monday MUCH happier because i'd take the real over fake anyday -- i'd take depression over false-happy anyday. my friend flippin' the bird to the guy as he smiles his pitiful puppet smile strikes me as something hysterical. i LOVE the irreverent!
Its like you want to look at this guy and say, "you've got to be kidding".
Listening to this false-jolly idiot flitting about the office like some empty-headed ditz baffles me -- i look to the sky and ask, "why? God, WHY? HOW? How is it so that this guy, a grown man, can actually THINK he's NOT being seen as a complete twit?".
This is coming from a man no less! A sped up little man in executive attire with a face i'd love to slap! i'd expect it from a girl like my old roommate -- the divisive roommate who manipulated unlike her superficial smiley exterior suggested possible -- but gee whiz, can't the guy just come in and say a happy hello without the Happy Monday song?
i can't even believe its real its so bizarre. Its surreal! Its better than Fellini! i mean, there's sugar and there's confection and then there's CLOYINGLY DISTURBING saccharine.
If not for the crazed lunacy in the world, how would we ever know all the other stuff, too? Thank goodness for smiling dummies! You can't know perspective if you don't appreciate all the hard packed earth, the clouds, the geniuses and the Happy Monday crowd, and the whacked out reality called "life". i love loving just as much as i can appreciate flippin' the bird when its the perfect answer to an imperfect world.
(Illustration of Howdy Doody: Andy Warhol)
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Scoring Dope
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Jan 21, 2007 6:58 pm
1522 Views
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Well, i got me some. Some dope. Master dope. Today i asked Master why it is that THIS is everything to me. Why getting my brains f-ed out of me and being brought to some visceral climaxing is the only way i can then feel good about myself -- good enough that i can then skip along through life even when physically apart from Master. He said its the dopamine. Yeah -- its dope alright. Both kinds -- the kind for the brain and the kind for the veins.
i'm pumped full of life now!
As if it isn't enough to have a full entertaining and enriching weekend with Master -- or even one single night -- i have to be totally spent in order to be then sent on my way to go back and tend to conventional life. Still, dopamine, the chemical fix or the junkie's food, doesn't explain it all. There's more -- i know there's more. Its something about the exhilaration in being ripped apart mercilessly ... and purpose and ................ oh i'm too tired to think. How refreshing!
Tonight, only a few minutes ago, i was doubled over and running to the bathroom. It must have caught up with me. i basically was holding back an enema for twelve hours! Master didn't give me a cum enema this time but He used that hole for so long and with such deliberate intent that all that air pumped into me had similar effect. Its a pretty odd thing to sit here writing that i feel further relief in .......... -- well, even i can't say it! Let's just say a colonic -- that sounds nice and trendy and holistically acceptable. That's much better than saying a bowel movement was relief, unless of course you add that its BECAUSE you had some massive dick pumping it methodically AND roughly AND alternating between the two!
i'm sore and i'm exhausted and Master fashioned a VERY RESTRICTIVE rope bra around my new big tits this weekend. It was the first time now with these gigantic orbs! Oh how GREAT to finally SEE SWOLLEN TITS!! But they're tender. my ribs are sore from the corset. my pussy is raw, my 2nd-cunt is wide open distended and even my jaw aches from the head harness gag. my bottom cheeks feel nice and tingly from the ... well, i'll call it slapping rather than spanking because spanking just sounds way too mild these days.
And i'm happy. Go figure.
Go figure? i'm also apparently light to the point of trite. But who cares?! i'm all doped up! The masses might hear me whimpering but the knowing hear me reveling. i feel cleansed. i feel the reaffirmation of being owned. i feel like i will sleep a solid slumber with no interruptions from dreams or planning or problem-solving. No anxiety, no analytics. How nice to put away my brain for awhile and get some rest.
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To link to this blog (slave2bholed) use [blog slave2bholed] in your messages.
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