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Boots
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Oct 29, 2009 10:50 am
958 Views
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It's coming to winter. Everyone has their boots out again. Woof woof. What more can I say?
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Paper mountains
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Mar 29, 2009 10:26 am
921 Views
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I've just finished unloading half the books I brought back from my parents from the car. The other half are in a box too heavy to lift and I will have to repack into small boxes in the week.
The pile I've unpacked so far is 105cm x 70cm x 30cm high.
Oooops, I forgot how many I had to bring back...
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The axeman cometh
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Mar 29, 2009 10:24 am
990 Views
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Mar. 19th, 2009 | 07:12 pm
I must stop writing blogs in my head and then forgetting them.
I know, I keep saying that but one day I really must do it.
Todays blog is about the axeman cometh. Well he came, he announced his axe and he left the victim to bleed to death slowly.
We (operations) were all summoned for a meeting where we were told all the support jobs are going to Romania, thats about 148 jobs. Instead, they are creating 68 new jobs just to do integration type work. Math shows that that leaves kinda an overflow on the number of people, so yup, 80 will end up not employed. It also gives them chance to renegotiate (if they want) some of the non-contractual benefits as its a new role. We have to wait and see what the jobs being offered are, they will come out next week. Otherwise... we can move to Romania if we want (hmmm for some reason Scarlett told me I wasn't allowed) or take voluntary severence.
Then basically its a team by team basis. Apply. Interview for the jobs. Give out the jobs. Take out voluntary severence if you want. Try and find another job in the company. Do a knowledge transfer to Romania. Turn out the lights.
Ours will be by end of August give or take, nothings definite til they start seeing how long it takes, etc, etc.
Now, I know a year ago this would have stressed me out hugely but strangely I am not really worried. I would have been scared, nervous, fretting, thinking through things but I am not. Instead... its strangely matter of fact. It was inevitable, it was going to happen, it has so now its time to make choices.
Do I try and stay? Do I take the money and run? I've instead of worrying been thinking about the consequences of those. What will it be like if I stay. How frustrating, how awkward, how much hassle and overwork? When will they just outsource the rest to someone else and be done with IT? How many hoops will they make you jump through to make changes? So I've been making lists in my heads of those things, to give me something to decide on. I've also been making lists of what are my demands if i stay? What do *I* want to get them to make me stay? My car allowance? My early starts? My flexibility about working from home? For once making myself think about what they need to give me and not be panicked into thinking they are doing me a favour. Thats new for me, and will probably be hard when it comes to doing it, but its kinda nice actually it being oe of the things coming into my head now. The final list is things I have achieved whilst
I have been there. My successes, something which will come in handy to know if I stay or go.
Thats pretty good too, my first reaction being a positive thinking good about myself rather than panicking or worrying. I know a year ago my reaction wouldn't have been like that and I kind of like it. I know a large part is my attitude has changed. Work is no longer so important. Now I work as a means to an end. It lets me be with my family, with Scarlett, Kay, my son. There is less pressure now on making the right choice here. There is no right choice. I don't have to choose the job that will make me happy. Work won't let me be happy, I don't have to find the perfect job. It lets me do the things I want to do, for the people I want to be with.
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Moving on
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Mar 16, 2009 2:56 pm
912 Views
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Mar. 15th, 2009 | 09:42 pm
It was a sleepless night, I was wake most of it - thank heaven for those in other timezones to keep me company in the hardest part of the night. I think I went through a mix of emotions last night. Distraught, detached, regretful, angry. Fairly much a normal grieving pattern really which is no surprise as thats what it was.
It's funny the things that trigger these things. I know Kay had a similar (though more internalised) sudden smash in the face during my sisters wedding last year when the wedding vows were being said. We don't expect it but, these things are waiting and we don't expect them. For me it was the rings.
The rings represented all the promises, the hope, the intentions to me. More so than the vows (since I am much better at symbolic intentions than I am with words, with the things left unsaid but understood). So seeing them, holding them. Well. It was an odd thing. Thinking about it now, it's the first time I've been reminded of who and what we were then and what we wanted and hoped for. Now, when I think of my ex, I think of her as she is now, as I am now and I can't possibly imagine anything other than us being apart. Holding the rings was the first time I've felt connected and reminded of how we were then, how genuine and real it was, how we both meant it. No villains, no mistakes, just all that ahead of us. I think that's what got to me.
It was a good thing to go through though, despite the tears, the hurt and the sleepless night. I've brought quite a few things back from storage at my parents. Pictures, some of my books, my coffee table, a wardrobe frame, my disney collectable plates, some other ornaments. All of these were things which I bought whilst I was with my ex, but things which I had chosen and were very much me. Even being me though, they have many memories attached. Of choosing them, of her thoughts, of us choosing to place them. Of packing them away. There's been a big gap from that. When I left it was like drawing a line under that and starting totally from start as I left most things behind and then I basically had nothing to remind me. It was like nothing had been there before.
Now however, those things are being brought back into my life. My books which represent most of my life so far, from early childhood to the seperation. The ornaments which represent holidays, gifts, special times. Last night helped get past that feeling of regret and them almost being a reminder of what's gone and just left behind the delight in the part of me they are and something I can enjoy having around me, as part of my home.
A painful but cleansing experience.
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Old scars
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Mar 16, 2009 2:56 pm
908 Views
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Mar. 14th, 2009 | 09:23 pm
A little surprised at how strong a reaction I had to something. I am down at my parents, they are back from the USA after 2 1/2 months in Phoenix with my brother so my boy and I came down to see them and also so I could collect some of the things they had in storage for me from when I split with my ex all that time ago.
Whilst going through the things I came across a little blue box which when opened had a silver pot inside. Inside was my boys first tooth and our wedding rings. I admit, I really tried not to let it get to me but the sight of those two gold bands made me hurt inside about what happened far more than anything has for years, more even than when she changed her name. Definitely more than starting the divorce and I just started to cry. I sat and held them and let myself cry, looking at some of the other things which Mum had put aside for if our boy ever wanted them when Wendy and I were gone. Our wedding photos. The Mickey and Minnie cake top decoration. The photo of our engagement. A photo of us kissing at a friends wedding. So, I cried and cried and now I feel empty and detached.
Yes, time does heal all, just sometimes old scars can still catch.
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Antsy, itchy, crawly
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Mar 16, 2009 2:55 pm
906 Views
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Mar. 9th, 2009 | 08:45 pm
I don't know how to start or where to go with this blog post, I just know I need to write. I've been feeling increasingly itchy and antsy inside since the beginning of the weekend. It was ignorable when the boy was here as he was feeling poorly and I could concentrate on him. Driving down to Cardiff through some appalling weather (the wind was side swiping the car and bashing it) made me very tense (keeping the car going in a straight line) which made me more agitated by time I got down there.
Then I did something really really dumb. I went to Ikea and spent more than I intended (that wasn't the dumb thing, I suspect that's normal for visiting Ikea). I was just going to get a three drawer chest of drawers, but seeing them up close I decided on the four drawer as being a decent height and also to get the two drawer as a bedside cabinet. They also had groovey grey/transparent glass tops for them so bought those two. I decided on Oak in the end as it will work well with the wardrobe carcases as a matching set. Anyway I was pretty chuffed to have decided and started out on the whole "having somewhere to put things" thing and started loading the trolley. Now those boxes looked pretty small and I've only ever been used to Argos flatpacks before which are pretty light... ummm ok, so Ikea builds things a lot lot lot denser. The last one I picked up at argos was about 24kg, and I could handle that. Maybe I should have looked closer
at the small writing which said "48kg". Of course I didn't realise that until I had managed to prize it from the box below (bloody things had glue sticking them together to make sure they didn't topple!). By then though I had lifted and swung it off and thought "hmm ok, this is heavy". The trolley then did that thing they do where they start wheeling off on their own as you try and slide something very heavy onto it.
So I've now learnt my lesson about trying to do these things myself but by time I had got it in the car I was thinking "this was a mistake" as I could feel that pull in my stomach and shoulder saying "you shouldn't have done that". By time I got to Kay's I knew I really shouldn't have and I know I was really quiet and unhappy looking, which added to the itchy antsyness wasn't great and I know I can't have been great company.
We went to see Snow Patrol and apart from the long wait for it to start (support acts started 45mins after they had been originally due and their were two of them) it was brilliant. We had really good seats directly opposite from the stage (downstairs was all standing, with a balcony running round the three sides) and a great view of everything. The sound in the Arena was pretty good too. Snow Patrol put on a great show, obviously enjoying themselves, talkative, friendly, great voice and great variety of ballads to rock anthems and back again. The place erupted at Chasing Cars, but my other favourite is "How to be Dead" which always makes me cry as it reminds me so much of how life used to be and I was so pleased when they played that. Snow Patrol have to be my favourite band and they are so much better live than their albums, they have great passion and enthusiam as well as being great musicians and crowd pleasers. It was brilliant and they
played for ages. I had been kinda so-so about the new album but it showed me it in such a different light.
It's weird, writing is so calming. I guess because it focuses my thoughts. As I write this I can feel the blind panic and stress recede and the words take over, and I can look back and see the great things that happened. It makes it harder to see or touch or identify with those feelings of wrongness and upset inside. I can feel they are still there but it's like looking at them from the other side of a one-way mirror, you can no longer touch them. It's scary though, feeling them just under the surface (yes I know, switching metaphors) and the dread waiting of when they will come back and swamp.
I didn't go into work today. The mixture of very loud music, bright lights and painkillers so I could actually get to the concert (probably with the tension too) meant I felt sick as hell this morning as well as achey so I decided I had been dumb once already and driving 120 miles like that at 5am would probably count as compounding my dumbness to a terminal point so called in sick and came home early afternoon when I could do it slowly, in daylight and avoiding traffic.
So, that left 65kg of stuff in my car to carry up 28 stairs to the flat... The bedside cabinet I could do, if I did carefully. Same with the glass panels. The big one though I opened in the car and carried up in 4 trips. Tiring yes, but not so back breaking, so now it's sitting in pieces around the flat. The bedside cabinet I've already put together and have to admit it was a pleasure to make. The way it's constructed is really logical and smart and it was kinda good fun and it's shockingly solid. I am impressed.
Ok, now I'm a little more focussed and my mind isn't spinning and making me either freeze emotionally or just panic or start to think bad things about me I can see a couple of things that have contributed to this. The most immediate ones I think are the things I've pushed myself into this week. I know I need to get out, get involved, meet people, and I've done the right thing making some opportunities, but now I actually have to do it and it's stressing me out big time and making me doubt myself. I re-examine some of my friendships, the history I have of not holding onto them, of how painful it can feel sometimes trying to make conversation, and basically all the bad times come up in my mind and how much effort and work it is and how it never comes naturally... and then I start to wonder what the point is, what am I trying to achieve, am I just kidding myself. Yes, I know that completely ignores the people that do love me now, and the people that
do want me, and the times I have tried and it has got easier, but that's the way the mind works sometimes. It doesn't help that when I start to panic I freeze inside and go cold and cut people out, which makes it even harder to be around people which confirms those thoughts and feelings and... yes, vicious circle. The more relaxed and at ease I am, the better I come across and the better it works. Lol, maybe I am the only one that could put extra pressure on myself knowing I need to be relaxed and thereby stressing myself more. So, tomorrow going out for the film. I suggested we meet for a drink before hand because it's (I know in my head) the right thing to do and if I actually want to make connections then it's what I need to do. However it also leaves me feeling physically sick now of the thought of that time before the film and I can feel my shoulders freezing up at the thought. Thursday I'm probably meeting up with someone that
said "hi" on Informed Consent as he liked the idea of someone that could be a friend who was kinky so you didn't have to stop and think "I can't say that". Possibly things might go further, but basically, friends you could chat with and do stuff with. Now, that sounds great to me and exactly what my profile was asking for and I was pretty chuffed about getting an answer. Being me though, I start to stress and see the old things of not having anything to offer, being boring, that dreaded question in one email of "What are your interests?" did leave me in a blind panic as all I could see was how detached from the world and people I am. How distant. Yes, of course, I am so much better than I was and so much better than when I left my wife. It's been a slow slow process but I do say "yes" more now than I ever did. Do slowly open up and stop pushing people away. It doesn't happen over night, or even weekly.... However when faced with that
question, that interest, I get very defensive inside and very harsh on myself as I compare, compare randomly when I have no idea what I am comparing myself to, compare to everyone who seems so at ease and so passionate about things in life. I start to see my lack of interest, lack of involvement, and kick myself for it and want to withdraw as everything I say seems so stupid. From this dispassionate, writing my blog point of view.... I can say that two things I am passionate about in life are my family and my friends. It's very hard though to tie that to that blind swirling feeling though inside when you start to feel "I can't do this, this is going to go wrong".
That's stress for sure. Just getting through these next few days. This on a backdrop of feeling a little lost. The rumours at work of redundancies is very unsettling. I personally think they will probably end up being true, but until it's announced one way or another it's kind of hanging in limbo. Then, coming back from the USA. That went so well, it fitted... I fitted. Going back from being around someone 24x7 to actually seeing her less than before as things have changed at work. Well, it means I miss Scarlett hideously and whilst meeting up with her has definitely had a big positive effect (like making me push myself) settling back to how things are from a distance is not being easy. It's a big open hole there and I admit the nights when I don't get to make that wake up call really do get to me. I mean the weekend yes, that's kind of planned in and whilst I miss it then, it's, I dunno. Those calls mean a lot to me now . Part of me wants to close up a little as that's what stops it hurting so much, but most of me doesn't want to because I want to keep moving forward and growing and getting better at handling these transitions. Those calls are part of that enjoying how the relationship has grown and how I'm getting better at this. It makes the distance drop away. I never thought this would be easy and leaving Kay, Scarlett and my son is always painful, but all three of them are worth it. It's finding ways that make it work.
So much going on in a mixed up pup. I did register at the Doctor's Surgery tonight though (now that I've worked out where the Doctor's is that will work better for me. Once this week (and probably next week too with Kay's operation) are out of the way I'll go see them to try and find a physio (so I can get exercises for my back) and a counsellor (so I can keep myself on the straight and narrow). I know I'll have to pay for both, but they maybe able to give me some pointers of where to look.
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Hello, this is PC support
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Mar 16, 2009 2:55 pm
906 Views
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Mar. 8th, 2009 | 11:20 am
ok it's getting less funny... after being on the phone for another ten minutes.
It must be bad as he phoned this time (either that or my sister made him as she didn't want to do his dirty work).
Damn bugger keeps closing IE before they could download the removal program, so I emailed it to them.
I really really need a shower and to get dressed before my ex comes to pick up the boy! Waiting for them to reboot the PC and try rerunning the program, so then I can go get my shower!!!!
Hmmm ok phoned back and they can't get the program to run. Fortunately they haven't done much (they've only had it a week) so I may get them to d a factory reset as that will keep them busy.
I shoulda been a farmer!
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Trojans, viruses and scams, oh my
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Mar 16, 2009 2:54 pm
919 Views
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Mar. 8th, 2009 | 10:54 am
omg, what a hysterical conversation with my sister.
She phoned (which normally means she wants to know something about her computer) and was very much avoiding saying anything too directly so I asked what was wrong. She started off with a talking about thinking they had a trojan or something (which made me suspicious, how would she know it was a trojan). Eventually it came out that a web page was popping up whenever they did things, and saying they had infections and to go to a site to download a antivirus... you know the type.
I explained what it was, a fake web page caused by a scam, and they must have clicked yes to something and then it came out. Her husband had been visiting "adult" sites (hence her phoning as he was too embarrased too) and it had come up and the rest was history.
I did manage to explain calmly about these things and about fake codec's on adult videos, etc, etc, before I got off the phone and collapsed in giggles.
God, I can just imagine the tension in that house at the moment between the two of them. I shouldn't laugh but...
It will be interesting next time I see them, hehe.
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I exist therefore...
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Mar 16, 2009 2:54 pm
904 Views
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Mar. 7th, 2009 | 10:25 pm
Todays ROAK is to chat to an old man on a bench. That one made me smile as "do something nice for an old man" was the first act of the "Joine Me" cult/collective/whatsit when they suddenly realised they had to do something rather than just exist. It's kind of like a starter for ten on the whole "be nice" thing.
It highlights something I suck at though, talking to random strangers. Something I have started to work at though. In fact the very first thing my therapist had me do was, whilst at work, smile to people as I walked up and down the stairs. Not even say hello, just give them a big smile rather than studiously ignore them as was my want. The ignoring was totally defensive of course. If I don't look at them, they won't look at me, I won't be noticed, I won't have to deal with them and then find I can't talk to them and feel awkward. So avoid them first.
I make a point now when I am in a shop of telling the shop assistant thanks and I hope they have a nice day. Yes, it maybe cliched and yes I am sure people say it glibly without thinking, but maybe, maybe because I have to make a conscious effort to say it, so know what I am saying... maybe it means something and that comes across.
Showing someone you recognise they exist and are a real person and not just an inconvenience to walk past.... That really is a good act of kindness to get into a habit of.
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Spot-the-ex
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Mar 16, 2009 2:53 pm
908 Views
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Mar. 7th, 2009 | 08:14 pm
My son and I are sitting having the giggles.
My ex has been excited for the last few days as she had tickets for Ant and Dec's Saturday Night takeaway and was also in the selection for the "grab the ads" game. It's not my taste in TV but he likes it so we are sitting watching and playing the "spot the ex in the audience".
So far we are upto about 5 spots, each of them closer and closer, so I've been leaving comments on her facebook, especially about how cute someone in front of her is. I am going to be in so much trouble, heh heh hehe.
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