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Divorce wheels rolling
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Mar 16, 2009 2:52 pm
181 Views
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Mar. 7th, 2009 | 07:32 pm
My ex received the Divorce petition today with the reply form. She was really good and let me know straight away so I could help her fill it in when I picked up my boy. She has one query before she sends it back off on Monday, but it's neat (if a little scary) to see the wheels in motion so quickly and see the court details there in black and white.
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Ouch!
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Mar 16, 2009 2:50 pm
137 Views
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Mar. 7th, 2009 | 12:17 pm
Ouch! Just changed the address on my car insurance and had to pay 63 pound extra. It's due for renewal in 3 months, so thats 63 quid for just 3 months!!!! I knew postcodes make a difference but, thats bloody awful!!!
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Watchmen
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Mar 16, 2009 2:49 pm
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Mar. 5th, 2009 | 10:17 am
Watchmen comes out at the cinema tomorrow.
Showing my geek heritage this is one movie I've been both dreading and looking forward to. I really want to see it at the cinema and not wimp out and miss it, but I don't really want to go see it on my own either. If it's it's horrible I need someone to whinge with. Alternatively if it's wonderful I might be tempted to jump some random stranger to sing it's praises and discuss finer plot points and accidentally ruin someones date and/or get arrested and find my life goes to hell. For some reason my family want to run a mile at the thought of coming with me... Can't possibly think why.
This was the graphic novel that for me made me think "these aren't just for kids". I think I was about 15 or 16 when I first read it and it blew me away with it's depth, plotline, realism, slow creeping pace and the fact the "graphic" side of it was a reflection of the story and not an excuse not to have a story. It very much for me defined that story-telling didn't care what medium it was done in, a good story was a good story, a good storyteller would get it out and good characters were something special to cherish.
I've kind of found excuses not to make it to the Reading munch (work, tiredness, too much hassle) but the big reason is I am bad at groups. Walking into a group I cringe inside and hide and freeze. If I am with someone it's often better but then I hide behind them and don't really become me, I become "the person with them" which is a trick I learnt from being with my ex-wife. That's not good either as you just get remembered as "the guy with...". I am definitely better "one to one" when in a situation where there is a reason to try and make a connection.
These two things seemed too good a match to avoid (well, it would be easy to find excuses but...) so I mailed the munch mailing list asking if anyone was interested to go see it with a pup. Much to my delight, I woke up to a reply this morning saying sure why not from a guy, so I've mailed him back this morning suggesting some arrangements (yes, my temptation was to defer and ask "when do you want..." but that's not the best approach, so step forward pup, you can make arrangements or Ma`am so you can do it for you). Neat. . Now I need to not feel so nervous... heh.
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Delayed journals
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Mar 16, 2009 2:46 pm
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I haven't had chance to get onto ALT (since I can't do it at work) but I have been journalling on and off offline. Since it's a quiet night and I can get here tonight from home, the next few journals are catching up with what's been written but not posted.
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More ROAK
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Mar 4, 2009 1:51 pm
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As it's been a week, time to get back to the ROAK's  . I think a week is about as long as I can go with the excuse of jetlag before I get back to what I'm sposed to be doing.
Ok, I am skipping the "buy a packet of cigars and leave them at the reception of your local maternity unit" as that is encouraging smoking! SO onto "phone someone at a call centre and tell them they are doing a good job".
What is it about call centres that drive us nuts? They can be a pain in the backside, we want them to help us and they insist on following a script. However, they are just doing a job, and if they do a good job (like the guy that handled my Virgin complaint to get my phone installed), it doesn't hurt to say thankyou. I've spoken to a few recently with advising change of address and some haven't been that helpful or couldn't be because of their rules, but it is possible to find something to thank them for! It's a good thing.
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Finding fun in flatter times
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Mar 4, 2009 1:21 pm
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It's probably not surprising, it's been a week since I came back to the UK and so feeling kinda "flat" tonight isn't a big deal. I miss Kay, I miss Scarlett, I miss my boy. That middle of the week feeling which is quite often on a Monday instead  . This week though it's definitely anti-climax in the middle of the week.
Rumours have started at work of massive redundancies (over 50 due to off-shoring. We heard the rumours at lunch time and that did kinda knock the stuffing out of me. Not that I am worried, either they get rid of us or they don't, nothing I can do about it. It's more the demoralising effect it has. Made it very hard to go back after lunch and be inspired to work hard. That trickled off the "what now" flatness which led to me lingering at work late and not coming home til after 7pm. Weirdly, I countered not being inspired at work by working late... Actually it worked quite well. Since I've been back my back has really been playing me up, back, neck, joints. I know I need to get to the doctor (when I find one I am happy to register with) and sort out some physio/exercises. At work though, sitting at a desk, I need to get things sorted better, so I ordered a new monitor from IT to replace the tiny 15" one I had. I got rid of one of the laptops and moved over to the new network, and set up the new monitor today. I think I am in love with it. It's on a fully adjustable, tiltable, swivalable plinth. So finally I can get it to a height thats comfortable and its SO much clearer so that should help my eye strain. Getting rid of the extra stuff on my desk, stop keep switching between machines, it should all help with my posture and positioning and hopefully be part of me trying to get myself healthier.
I actually started to have fun tonight at work finishing off some code as it didn't feel so painful . That was pretty cool. It was a little late and so the traffic was bad so I popped into town to go into La Senza to look at pretty things (my ex-wife gave me some vouchers she had to pay off a debt). Umm yes, there were some very pretty things but I could feel my face burning a little too much to stand still and actually make choices so yes, I bottled it, heh and left empty handed. I do still have those vouchers though, and i willlllll buy pretty things, just need to get diva to get better so she can help me choose! Yes, that's it, I didn't bottle it with a major blush (why are the shop assistants always pretty young girls? hmmmm?) I just ummm deferred choosing so I could enjoy shopping with a friend. I am such a good pup to my friends!
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Divorce
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Feb 28, 2009 3:42 pm
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I thought a lot on the flight home. Whilst it was a good flight, and with the help of a sleep aid I did sleep for a few hours, that still leaves time in between to reflect. For once, this was a good thing. The time in the states gave me a lot of good things in my life to reflect on, to celebrate, to smile at, despite the very real tang of seperation that was cutting through me. It would have been very easy to get morose and dwell on that feeling of loss, but with how great things had been, it felt so much better to think "this hurts because it went so well and because we fitted so well" which is kind of an incentive to make sure it happens again and again.
It was a good time in the US. Not just because of seeing Scarlett, but seeing my parents, my brother, my niece, my sister-in-law.
I have never been particularly close to my brother. Four years age difference and then him living in the USA for the last 16 years. Hell, I was an annoying teenager when he left and got married. He was then super-stressed by work everytime I saw him in the USA, and well frankly a complete ass. When he is over here he has been unsociable and just stayed in a bedroom to watch sports and basically enjoy not having any of the house responsibilities.
Yet this time, this time, he was comfortable. It was his house, not a rental. Yes, my sisinlaw had lost her job but... he seemed at ease. He was friendly, chatty, communicative, social, helpful, thoughtful. I liked him a lot. He was so good with my son. He was so open with my parents. I had kind of avoided thinking of the 5 1/2 hr drive down to Vegas in a mini-van with everyone, as it could have been hell. But it wasn't. Ok yes there were a few little niggles (especially when we did the journey back). But mainly it was a lot of fun and really pleasent. Two kids, four adults. I am sure a lot of it is also down to me being happier in my own skin and being less defensive. I am sure thats a very big factor in it too. Taking myself less seriously.
I really got on well with my brother. His PC broke whilst I was doing a favour for his wife, doing some tidying up. The HD just died horribly, sticking. I felt awful about it, and here was some tension in the house. I think my Dad wound him up a bit. This time though, when Dad came out and said he was tetchy, I thought blow it... and went in and spoke to my brother directly about it and he seemed fine. I am sure he was uptight, it was annoying, there was data loss, but these things happens... and we talked about it directly and about what we could do. For once actually talking to each other directly rather than my families disease of everything going through Mum.
With this background, thinking it through on the plane, something occured to me. Something I hadn't been able to face before.
I realised a major part in why I hadn't gone through with the divorce was I was scared to be alone and to have no family. In many ways my ex was the closest to family I felt I had, so I didn't want to let that go and be on my own. Stupid as it sounds, as we have been apart 3 1/2 years, as I had never been that close to anyone except Mum in my family... I didn't want to lose that which I had.
Except... I had family. I have lots of family.
I have my son and my ex-wife is really a lot closer to me now than she was for most of our marriage. We get on better. We relate better. They are my family.
I have Mum and Dad. I have my brother, my niece, my sister-in-law. All of whom I got on with well as a real person, not as a son, or a brother, or someone they "had to" put up with. No, this time I really felt I had got on as me. They are family.
I have Kay, I have her girls. I fit in so well with her. Her girls accept me as part of the family and don't think twice when I turn up. They are family.
I have Scarlett and in some strange ways, her family too. I mean I know books I've given her have ended up with her family. I know they'll lust after socks I gave her , so they may not know about me or who I am or anything but in a strange way they are family too.
I have a hell of a lot of family, it's just all over the world.
So why am I clinging onto something that's gone, when what I have now is so much better? I had the initial twinge of denial, of "no, that wasn't a factor" as it was embarrasing to admit. Yet, when I did admit to myself it was the case things felt clearer and what I wanted felt so obvious. Suddenly divorce wasn't a big scary thing. Instead it was a recognition of how things had changed and how much better they were now. Of new relationships. Of new starts. Of developing intimacies based on choices rather than necessities or "because you should".
It was something I suddenly wanted very very badly and knew I had to be brave enough to see through and not let excuses come up again.
I wanted to stop clinging to what wasn't there and was in the past, when the future was so much better and brighter.
Wednesday night, after landing at 2pm, seeing my son at 4pm and getting home pretty knackered at 6pm, I logged into the "write a divorce petition" service I had first paid for in 2007 but then never done anything with and started filling in the questionaire which would write the petition to the courts to start proceedings going. 9pm I spoke to my ex online and explained to her what I was going to do and why. I made her cry, because I said she would always be family. Friday lunchtime they emailed me the completed petition. Friday night I signed it and my ex-wife signed the sections agreeing our childcare arrangements. Today (Saturday) lunchtime I posted it off with the court fee's and my marriage certificate.
So there it is.
I am not divorcing for Kay, or Scarlett or anyone else.
I am divorcing for me.
It took coming to my family in America, all of them, to realise how much I had there and here at home and finally admit how scared I still was of being alone, and how silly that really was with all I have.
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Travelling
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Feb 25, 2009 9:56 pm
169 Views
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I should really write when I think of things, though when you are half way through checkin at the airport you can't really ask them to wait whilst you write something down, so I know there is at least one superbly written blog that's gone missing in my head. It really was good, you'll just have to take my word for it as I cannot remember at all what it was about, except it was really very well written and emotionally perceptive and stuff. You would have loved it for sure.
I've travelled a fair bit over the years. I am not a regular traveller but I've done enough to have seen all sorts of customers but flying back from Phoenix (which was a great flight btw, only a handful of people on it so everyone had 3 or 4 seats to themselves) I heard two things which I've never experienced at an airport.
First was lining up to go through security. It was kind of slow, the line had stopped as they had to wait for a supervisor to check something. This American guy in front of me (big guy, fire rescue holdall) started saying very loudly "whats the hold up", then "god this is the slowest security line in the airport" and lots of other comments like that. Nope, not drunk, sober. He eventually shouted out and asked her what the problem was. Weird. I felt really embarrased for her, it was very out of order. He eventually went to another line with a bunch of other people. I apologised for other peoples behaviour in the line when I went past, she said it was fine but I felt the need to say something as it was out of order.
I've never seen anyone take pot-shots at the TSA... I sure as hell wouldn't, plus its rude and uncalled for.
The second was coming into land in Heathrow. A guy refused to put his seatbelt on during the pre-landing checks. The poor stewardess had to argue with him for a few minutes explaining she couldn't sign off her checks until he had and so he captain wouldnt be able to land.
I guess nerves may kick in for some people in different ways, or other frustrations, but it does make it more difficult for themselves.
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5am
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Feb 25, 2009 9:34 pm
172 Views
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5am and listening to the noises around me in the flat, since they are different than I've been used to the last week and a half. The sound of aircon or a tap tap tap of a laptop in the other room being replaced with the groans and wheezes of the fridge freezer.
I really can't work out if it's farting or making elephant noises at me.
Weird.
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Echoes of thoughts
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Feb 23, 2009 5:32 pm
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Do we find echoes of themes everywhere around us once we've noticed an idea and are subconsciously looking for things to agree with it? or do things really have a time and when it arrives, then life finds ways to mirror it all around us?
Just as I had come to realise the importance of "making things happen" rather than letting them happen, we sat down and watched "The persuit of happyness" on DVD together. Now there was a man that made things happen for his son and nothing on heaven of earth was going to stop him.
It kind of puts a lot of things into perspective. A little thing like 5000 miles and the practicality of our family situations won't stop us no matter how hard it makes it to be together or how fleeting those times are when we can be.
We had our tears this afternoon, well, I blame the movie of course  . But... It makes me feel very very special someone can shed tears over loving me, missing me, not wanting to go our seperate ways. I mean, of course *I* cry but I am the wussy emotional puppy, its the fact someone else does that for me.... It humbles me and makes me feel very precious and whilst it doesn't soothe the pain at the moment, it's something that I know will stay in my thoughts til next time we meet. Her tears from NYC acted like a promise to me of "again" and those, more than anything, inspire me to find ways to turn them into smiles and turn that promise into "soon".
She said sometime ago "I wouldn't be doing this long distance thing if it wasn't you" and that has meant so much to me these past few months. A simple statement of how much she is willing to go through in order to be with me. I know some people would think any long distance relationship with all it brings is a bad idea but, just think how precious that must make the other in order to make it work? How many people can say that?
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