Mentally Exhausted
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May 24, 2012 2:42 pm
568 Views
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Okay, I admit it. I am not superwoman, wonderslut, or anything in between. I cannot keep trying to analyze, overthink, wish, pray, hope, ponder, or re-write history where Master and I are concerned. I am where I am. Period. I had everything I ever wanted, and now I don't. I made bad decisions. Big deal. So much worse stuff happens in this world.
My dad is in a hospital 7 hours away. He has been fighting alcoholism all my life, and cancer for over a year now. He has ruined lives, mostly his own, but he has loved me greatly and is part of my heart. He is not expected to live. I am making plans to drive there this weekend...to say my good-bye, to plan a funeral.
I am mentally exhausted. I don't want to lose any more. I just don't. 
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All Else Be Damned
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May 23, 2012 6:11 pm
1851 Views
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I was reminiscing today about our first relationship in 1991 and our reunion in 2008.
I have always loved Him.
From the first moment I lustfully looked at Him on the day He began work as a bouncer in the nightclub I tended bar in, I was hooked. He was SO young and handsome. A former rugby player, stocky, muscular, dark curly hair, deep brown eyes. A voice so smooth and charming; He was charismatic with a great sense of humour. His warmth and kindness emanated. His charm oozed out of Him. He could make friends with anybody. He was a magnet to me.
We hung out as friends until I drank too much one night and attacked Him. I needed His kiss desperately, His hands, His intensity. He evoked a passion I hadn't felt before (and have not felt with anyone else since). He was a perfect gentleman, not taking advantage of this blond, drunk creature with her lingerie hanging out to gain control of His desires.
Nope, even at 19, He had so much class and self-control. He turned me down that night but our love affair began. He scared me to my core with His powerful aura because I knew if I fell hard for Him, I could be hurt, devastated. That is the kind of connection and energy I felt with Him: overwhelming, all-encompassing, terrifying. In the end, I hurt Him before giving Him the chance to hurt me. It was the darkest time in my life. I let Him go when I should have held Him close.
I knew over the 18 years that we were apart, should we ever chance to meet again, I would fall as deeply, hopelessly, and endlessly in love with Him as I had when we were young. I was not wrong, He ensured it with His attention and care; with His heart and His soul. All else be damned, I will not let Him go again.
There will never be a time I don't wait with open arms and an open heart for Him to return to me, no matter how far He wanders in pursuit of His happiness.
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8
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Reality Doesn't Always Mirror Fantasy
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May 22, 2012 4:09 pm
3703 Views
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Reality doesn't always mirror fantasy, especially when two people don't share the same fantasy.
And that's okay. 
He is free to pursue His happiness elsewhere, and I wish Him the best always.
He will miss all I have been to Him: my care, my adoration, my passion, my submission. He will never find any better than me. Maybe this is a wishful fantasy, too. 
And that's okay. 
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26
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His Dirty Slut
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May 21, 2012 8:11 pm
5140 Views
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I am going to bed unshowered. As He loves, I am His dirty slut, covered in His cum from hours earlier. His scent fills my sinuses and I am aroused, contented, owned.
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4
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Balancing Act
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May 21, 2012 6:23 pm
5520 Views
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I just left my beloved Master. He treated me like His submissive painslut, His obedient analslut, and His dirty cumwhore. He also talked to me like His lover, His best friend, His desire. *swoon* I pissed Him off; He listened. I exasperated Him; He understood. I adored Him; He reciprocated. My body is pulsating and my mind is calm. Fuck, have I ever missed Him. {=}
What I needed most were some answers and boundaries, and He tried His best to give them to me despite His own confusion. He is in His own balancing act now, between His new relationship and His old one (with me). *giggle* He never expected to connect with the other woman on more than a sub-basis until I pushed Him away. He never expected me to put up a sincere, emotional fight to keep Him in my life the way we have both dreamed of. It was interesting seeing His frustration and puzzlement. 
I need to give the rest of the answers and boundaries to myself, based on His explanations and emotions. According to everything He told me (and what I read between the lines) that He needs, I will find my balance, so that neither of us feel so tortured any more. I will find balance and prove myself an exceptional asset to Him, and in time, we will find our way back to US; better, stronger, dirtier, happier. New girl can stick around...but she will have to know her place.
I am going to be involved in this self-imposed balancing act for the next little while. I will create balance between my need to have Master in every area of my life again with the self-control to live my own happiness without Him by my side (figuratively and physically). For NOW.
The thought of this new challenge is seductive to me.
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8
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Writing and Rewriting
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May 20, 2012 2:13 pm
7393 Views
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I am home now. It was the longest drive ever; no radio, no conversation, no puking (thankfully). I am still so sick from the evening's wine-fest. Tears rolled down my face most of the way home, from loneliness, frustration, loss, inability to give Him what He needs. How did I end up here, after everything we've been through? After sacrifice and commitment and health issues and disasters and a love that I thought could conquer anything...
I have been writing and rewriting the contents of my head and heart, both mentally and in type, for days and days, trying to work out every emotion logically. How do I purge these feelings? Running away from it all didn't help. Whipping from others didn't help. Piercing, well...THAT helped and I am due for two more rings on my inner labia this week. I have received permission to play and will now see if THAT helps (thank you, Paragon, for the ever-helpful wanking idea). 
I am breathing and letting it all wash over me, no matter how bad it feels.
My pic of a few of the hundreds of bighorn sheep lining the highway in one spot today.
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10
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Please, Take Me NOW
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May 20, 2012 7:22 am
7897 Views
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I was getting drunk off the thought of Him last night. Recalling everything and intoxicating myself on dirty, delicious memories. Oh, if only.
I don't drink alcohol. It doesn't make me feel very good. Generally, a glass of wine is enough, usually to put me to sleep.
Why I thought that opening a bottle last night would be fun and relaxing is beyond me. It tasted good. It went down easily.
Fuck...I am sooooooo sick right now.  amp;
I have to check out in less than 3 hours and then drive 4 hours home. Omg...I am begging for death. Please, take me NOW. Uuuuggghhhh.
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16
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I Drove All Morning
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May 19, 2012 4:16 pm
8981 Views
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I drove all morning to find paradise and revive my soul. I sang at the top of my lungs. I revelled in the beauty around me. I stopped where I wanted just to lie in the grass and soak up the rays.
I now sit alone, peaceful, in a large suite with king-size bed and jacuzzi. The view is breathtaking. I already saw deer. The sun has shone gloriously in a clear, blue sky all day.
The only thing missing is Him. Why didn't I do more when I had the chance?
I'm totally impressed with the quality of pics my phone takes from a moving vehicle!
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