Enjoy something a little kinky as foreplay to hot sex? A few spanks on the butt? A blindfold? Pinching his nipples? Begging for it harder? If you're like me, a taste of erotic power play just leaves you hungry for more!

At a recent class, this lovely woman admitted that the Mistress-and-servant scene she had negotiated with her lover "flew out the window in less than thirty minutes." "I mean," she continued, "I really dressed up for it, corset, mini skirt and stilettos, just like the Mistress of his dreams. After I spanked him and used our floggers a bit, I wondered, now what? I started to lose control and slipped out of my Mistress role. Sure, we were turned on, and the sex was good, but the D/s dynamic we wanted to explore never got off the ground. What did I do wrong?"

It is not about doing anything wrong, especially if afterwards no one complains. Most new Dominants often think that they have to do, do, do. They rush their play, using all their toys one right after another. We may use the same language as a theatrical production, but BDSM is not a performance, we are not acting a script. Our scenes are erotic journeys with their own rhythm and flow.

In my world, a good scene lasts at least one hour and a half. Did you know that endorphins, the natural opiate brought on by intense sensations produce a feeling of exhilaration and need a good 20 minutes to flood our system? Yes indeed, giving a good flogging to one who wants it takes stamina! Gaining confidence in your ability, and really embracing your Dominant style in skillful ways, takes time, too.

Ask yourselves who you really are in this exciting context. After all, a Mistress commands her pet differently than she does her slave. If you're a Daddy, are you strict, loving or seductive? A "captive" might certainly be feisty in a way that a willing submissive would not want to be. A rope-loving bottom simply won't stand still for a Top who does not want to be bothered with knots.

What's your game? Are you playing with reward and punishment, worship and devotion, pain and release, gender and role reversal? Each has its own dynamic. Does it relate to your partner's fantasy and fetish? Find out what you each want but beware of those online checklists so thorough any Dominant will feel like his/her "sub" is ordering a kinky pizza from them with very specific toppings!

All you both really need before you take off is a flight plan and a sense of what you want to get out of your scene. Respect each other's boundaries and the energy will build as your play unfolds.

Take Sandra, who presents herself as a very sexy Dominant. She is gorgeous in a slick red mini-dress and high heeled sandals with perfectly painted toenails. Her new partner, Philip, enjoys a good flogging and she has never whipped him. Yet - she is nervous. I reassure her it doesn't mean flogging Phillip is all we're going to do. "How about a little collaring ritual so he knows who is in charge?" I suggest having him undress in front of us. She agrees and sighs!

He sheds his clothes quickly, looking a bit embarrassed and a bit turned on as he stands naked in front of us. Sandra's dominant persona comes out in a soft and yet sarcastic tone of voice: "Not in a pile on the floor, I'd like you to fold them neatly and put them in the basket at the end of the room." Then she orders him to come back to her and kneel, keeping his eyes down. I'm impressed! Spoken like a true Mistress, precise and to the point!

Once he accepts the leather collar and promises to use his safewords should he need to, we tell him how to address us. She chooses "My Lady" and we will call him "boy." Cuffing his hands up to the suspension bar, I advise Sandra to take the time to really look at her boy and touch his body anyway she wants. "Connect with him. Breathe, together." When I show her how to spin her new flogger gently on his back, steadily building the intensity, she catches on quickly. Soon she is striking with gusto and accuracy! She is quite a "natural."

Yet she stops suddenly and says, "But Madame, I don't want to hurt him." "He is not calling his safeword now, is he?" I ask, challenging Sandra to savor the control she has at the moment. "Check with him, look him in the eyes and tell him that you want to give him more. You can make him wait for it if you need a little break. He is yours."

She picks up the whip again, but her pace is a bit fast. "Watch his body language, Sandra, and give him enough time to fully feel each blow," I coach. "See? When you slow down, his back and butt relax and you can see when he is ready for more. You might want to give him a few quick hard blows just to hear him moan and then go back down to a little slower and softer. These peaks and valleys of energy are what make a scene hotter and hotter."

Pace yourself, walk around him, catch his eyes, caress him and tell him how good he is doing. Feel him surrender. Find a natural way to end your flogging. One of my favorites is to ask my subs to take three more hard blows, just for me. Then I stop, put my whip down and… follow my intuition. All submissives need to be appreciated for their gift of masochism, service or surrender. Do you feel like kissing him, telling him what a good boy he is?

Sandra had confided in me that she wanted Phillip to worship her. She picked the most comfortable seat in the playroom and gently ordered her lover to kneel at her feet and remove her high heel sandals. She starts to tease his cock with her naked feet. Clearly Philip loves where their scene is going. "Mistress," I whisper, "it looks like time for your pet to be trained in giving you the service you want." Sandra smiles, my cue to leave them alone.

Many men want to be erotically submissive (and mutual consent is key), but women often need encouragement stepping into the dominant role -- and that is one of the many rewards I get from working with couples. I love to see excitement replace the insecure look on women's faces as they experience that power.

Every scene has a beginning, middle and an end. Once play is over, I remove the collar from my bottom's neck, mentally rewind what took place and share our favorite intimate moments. I make sure s/he hears what pleased me the most. It is good to check with each other again the next day because sometimes what goes up comes down! Erotic power games can leave Tops and bottoms in need of a little mutual aftercare. Remember that you're playing! Enjoy yourselves.

I'm taking a month off from my column here, as Fakir and I will be abroad for most of May. Meet me back here in July for a look at toys and tools.

In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo Dubois
[extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com' target='_blank' text='www.sm-arts.com']

---

When not writing for ALT and traveling the country doing demonstrations, Ms. Dubois enjoys mentoring couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay are dungeon. You'll find her special couples page at:
[extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html' target='_blank' text='http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html']

Cleo will be offline from May 10-June 16 while she and Fakir make their long awaited return to London. For details on performances and workshops, see http://www.fakirtour.com

On top of the online schedule, join Ms Dubois for her Radical Touch workshop Wednesday evening, May 23rd in London. Download the flyer at http://www.users.waitrose.com/~justinandkate/radical_touch.pdf
Discounted tickets for my readers to £25 if you write "Mailing list offer" on the back of your check.

Cleo's next class Erotic Spanking in San Francisco will be at Good Vibrations
Tuesday, June 12 from 8-10 pm
http://goodvibes.com/Content.aspx?id=298

The Academy of SM Arts' Summer/ Fall Intensives are scheduled for:

Erotic Dominance Intensive for Professional Dominas
August 17-19, 2007 in Chicago, Illinois
Acquire new skills! Refresh your style!
Gain deeper understanding of Fetish and Kinky Sexuality
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax – Class limited to 8.
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/form-pros.html


Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
October 6-7, 2007 San Francisco Citadel
Hands on Training! Class limited to 9!
Dominate with presence and passion!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax, with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/form-men.html

Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Women & Women Who Switch
November 10-11, 2007 San Francisco Citadel
Hands on Training! Class limited to 9!
Gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax, with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/form-women.html