I love punishment games. I call it play punishment. I am quite an expert at setting up situations where my submissive will fail rebelliously or innocently. After all, he wants pain or rough treatment, perhaps a caning or heavy paddling, and I want to give it. He signals his desire with a mistake. The misdeed is part of the fun. He might purposely forget a simple dungeon rule such as calling me Madame! He has no intention of making real amends for his wrong-doing. It is a flirtatious dance as my sadistic appetite is whetted by a submissive who finds provocative ways to engage me in the hot SM game that is “play punishment.”
John tells his submissive, Anna, in no uncertain terms to have the kitchen spotless when he gets home. While he’s away, she scrubs the kitchen, puts all the dishes away … and then, with an anticipatory smile, she deliberately spills a large table spoon of honey in the middle of the shiny floor. When John gets home he surveys the kitchen and sees the puddle on the floor. With a dark but satisfied look, he pushes her down on her hands and knees, pulls up her skirt to expose her naked ass and forces her to lick the floor clean with her tongue, while he gives her a welcomed strapping with his belt.
While punishment in general is defined as suffering or pain that serves as retribution, or severe or rough treatment and considered a negative, in a D/s or S/M context, pain or rough treatment may be a profoundly positive and mutually satisfying experience for both the giver and the receiver. How would you punish a masochist anyway?
I asked my friend Sarah, a committed D/s lifestyler, to share with me her thoughts on the provocative subject of punishment in D/s relationships. She wrote:
“In a discipline scene, not a play punishment scene, there is a real intent to educate, or to enforce obedience to a pattern of behavior or conduct that the Dominant wants the submissive to follow. The main focus of the scene is not on physical suffering or rough treatment. Techniques that help the submissive focus on obeying the orders of, or serving the Dominant is the way the Dominant provides discipline. Different people learn best in different ways and the Dominant is best served by finding out the most efficient way to teach her submissive.”
Take my dear friend Mistress Victoria, who is educating her slave on the finer points of giving her oral service. His face buried between her long strong legs, at first her slave is enthusiastic and inspired, and then his actions become a bit too routine for her liking. She reaches down and sharply twists his nipples, causing a gasp of pain. Calmly she says, “You’re not focusing on me. Take a breath and start again. Do you remember what we talked about yesterday? Good. Stay focused on me.”
Sarah and I agree: one of the most important and useful types of scene in long-standing D/s relationships is the Atonement scene. Atonement is about reconciliation between the Dominant and submissive; a way to come back into alignment after an offense. While atonement scenes can be improvised when needed, often they are ritualistic. The ritual aspect helps to clarify, communicate, and focus the intent of atonement. By engaging in the ritual, the participants share the purpose and desired outcome of the scene. It’s important that the submissive have a way that is acceptable to the Dominant to clearly request atonement. This could be a ritual phrase, a posture, or an action.
Master Stephan tells his submissive in no uncertain terms to have the kitchen spotless when he gets home. While he’s away, Shelly scrubs the kitchen, neatly puts all the dishes away, and makes sure every surface, including the floor, is spanking clean. When Steve gets home he surveys the kitchen, lifts a cutting board, and finds crumbs. Shelly is dismayed. Master simply says, “Finish cleaning, please.” The Dominant promptly stops thinking about the crumbs, but the submissive continues to think about it miserably long after cleaning up the crumbs. Later in the evening, without prompting, Shelly brings the viciously whippy cane reserved only for one special purpose, their atonement ritual. Kneeling at her Master’s feet and holding the cane across her knees, she waits patiently. Steve nods. Shelly quickly strips completely naked, stands, assumes the position, ass up, legs straight and hands around her ankles. With no warm-up Steve slashes the cane across her ass three times, quickly. The pain is intense. Then he turns her around, wraps his arms around her, and whispers gently “You are forgiven.” Shelly sighs in relief and stops thinking about her mistake; it’s over.
To better understand this type of scene, think about a time when you did something to, or neglected to do something for, someone you deeply cared about. Sometimes it is harder to forgive yourself than for the other person to forgive you. You might carry around a vague feeling of guilt or disappointment in yourself. If there is lingering resentment from the Dominant, the situation is worse. In D/s relationships, atonement is the mechanism for addressing these feelings, a way of putting them to rest that reconnects the people involved.
All three of the above scenes could be perceived as punishment scenes. Didn’t the slave or submissive suffer pain and rough treatment in all three situations? Wasn’t the Dominant punishing the submissive for misdeeds of some sort?
However, these three situations are very different. Play punishment, discipline, and atonement all have their place. What is most important is to be in alignment, so that both Dominant and submissive are on the same page.
Misunderstandings and upsets between Dominants and submissives can be avoided by knowing what the other means by the simple word “punishment.” Whether you want to have fun with a bad girl, get an education from a rough instructor, or feel the acceptance and lightness of forgiveness, the first step is to understand what you want, and then to find someone who is looking for the other side of that very BDSM coin. As for rewards, good play and good relationships in itself is reward for all.
I sign off this month by sharing a quote from Mohandas Gandhi:
There are two kinds of Power: “One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.”
It all comes down to love and fear, and playing with it is what we do.
In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo Dubois
www.sm-arts.com
When not writing for ALT, Ms. Dubois enjoys mentoring couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay area dungeon. You'll find her couples page at:
www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html.
Academy of SM Arts 2008 Schedule
- Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
May 17-18, 2008 in San Francisco
Hands on Training! Class limited to 9
Dominate with presence and passion!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax, with the assistance of Selina Raven
www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html
www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-men.html
- Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Women & Women Who Switch
July 19-20, 2008 in San Francisco
Hands on Training! Class limited to 9!
Gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax, with the assistance of Selina Raven
www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html
www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-women.html
- Erotic Dominance Weekend intensive, Professionals’ course
August 15-17, 2008 in San Francisco
Hands on Training! Class limited to 9
The techniques, fetishes and business of Professional Dominance
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax, with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-pros.html
For updates go to: www.sm-arts.com/upcoming.html
