It seems natural that the theme for this months magazine is wrestling, struggling and assorted forms of playing with power, since this is the start of a regular column on the one thing we all continually wrestle with ‒ relationship issues. And while the uninformed might ask, “why relationship issues on a dating/hook-up web community?” the fact is an awful lot of you readers are already in relationships, starting, revitalizing, expanding or changing your relationships or you would like your next one to be somewhat less disastrous than the last one. (Which we won’t go into, OK? Everyone makes mistakes.)
In my many years on the scene and the way-too-many times I’ve heard/seen/read and participated in relationship dramas and situations in the SM/leather/etc. communities, I often realize that there aren’t too many issues we have which our old biddy friend Dear Abby didn’t have good advice for. Are you better off with them, or without them? is the bottom line, wits-end question to any relationship, whether uber-kinky or so vanilla it rejects the presence of sprinkles. But the vast majority of our relationship questions and struggles come way before that ultimatum, and that’s where I will concentrate this column.
It’s tempting to try and head off existing and potential relationship issues with the soothing fiction of “ahh, but I will be the complete and total owner/master/mistress/deity and my partner will be absolutely submissive/obedient and we will never have doubts or relationship troubles like the “normal” people do ‘cause it’s my way or the highway!” (Trying to reverse that almost never works, by the way. Bottoms of the submissive flavor tend to paint idealist pictures of their relationships as long as their top is perfect in every way. They almost never think, “And the best part is it won’t matter how unhappy or unfulfilled or confused I am because my top won’t give a flying fuck and will toss me out on my ass at the first sign of discontent! Ahh, bliss!” Instead, they think “This top would never ignore/insult/betray/harm/grow disinterested in me, and therefore, things are/will be great!” Everyone has their own cute way of lying to themselves.)
It’s true that some tops will paint an image of themselves as hard-line perfectionists who will demand such complete threadbare hankies submissive darlings; their profiles and want ads are fairly easy to find. (And often make excellent whack-off or comedy show material.) But I am not addressing those lofty individuals; after all, they don’t need relationship advice, do they? Relationship broken? Discard; re-start search. I’m much more interested in people who are not so fucking lazy/socially inept as to maintaining actual human contact interested in finding, creating and maintaining working, enjoyable, fun and sexy relationships with people who fulfill their desires for companionship, friendship, love, familial goodies and/or wild, kinky sexual activities.
I also have a fondness for people who live in the real world of jobs, children, parents, second jobs, illnesses, money issues, household chores, pets, hobbies, distractions, and petty annoyances of all kinds. Trying to balance sexual drama of the good kind, dominant/submissive relationship styles and nosy in-laws is what makes daily life. (Meeting your in-laws at the swinger dungeon is another column.)
After all, I can be fairly sure Abby never advised anyone on how to make the new 4th in a poly relationship feel welcome without alienating the 3rd. (Or the 1st…) Or had many bright ideas about increasing the communication level between mistress and slave without making every issue turn into the dread relationship discussion, a surefire threat to both romance and DS dynamics. And while she was pretty good at “leave the asswipe who hits you,” I never saw the answer to my most frequent question…”How can I get master to hit me more??”
On the other hand, I hereby announce my complete disinterest in how to hang the toilet paper. We should have some decency here. Besides, the answer is “whenever the roll is empty.” See how easy that was?
In the interest of starting this theme of relationship issues in the lifestyles of the kinky and queer, I will touch briefly on the whole relationship discussion monster.
We dread it. Almost everyone does despite the years of pleading by daytime talk show hosts that this is the one true way to manage a healthy partnership. But as in many things therapeutic, there are so many ways to overindulge. If you and your partners enjoy the process of…processing…and find i t empowering, soothing and productive, I salute you as role models for the sadly challenged remainder of the population. (Including me.)
Good communication skills are vital to any working relationship, we can all agree on that. The question is how to reduce the potential for good communication to degrade into foolish arguments and unproductive discussions where regrettable tones are used or unfortunate phrasing is employed. (In other words, to avoid turning “I have a problem” into “you never listen to me” and “I have needs too” and the ever useful, “well, fuck you!”)
I have found a great way of reducing the potential for bad things to happen while having what should be a good conversation is to set reasonable rules for when to have such conversations. For example, “not first thing in the morning” or “never after 10PM at night” will help those people who are less emotionally ready to be deeply engaged before coffee or after a long day.
Or, you might find it easier to set a regular low-or-no protocol time for conversation just because generally, no one will have anything really vital to say, but the regular time in which to say it will become a comfortable habit. (Besides, if there are no issues to be worked out, you can then compliment each other on how smart and wonderful and sexy you are and then go play with your free time.)
Another way to manage civility and positive energy is to set a deferral time for discussion. Often we will resort to defensiveness or passive aggressive behaviors or outright aggressive ones because we are just not ready to respond and flip to panic mode. The longer panic sets, the harder it is to calm down and return to reason or allow positive emotions to help the situation. (Otherwise known as “It’s hard to remember why I love this person who is being so stupid/thoughtless right now.”)
It would be nice if we could be so rational that we could pull back at that moment and say, hey..I’m reacting like a butthead. But if for some strange reason that doesn’t work, having an “out” like “OK, five minutes to cool off and then we’ll talk,” can be helpful. (Or “Let’s sleep on it,” if it’s not so vital that someone will move out/set fire to the bedding if it waits that long.) People are often amazed that something that seemed so important on one day will fade into a state of complete bemusement the next. (Or at least become manageable without drama, tears and the destruction of beloved collectible figurines and/or antique nipple clamps.)
And lastly, concerning time management is to set a time limit for relationship discussions. I recommend 45 minutes, tops. Why? Because an hour is way too much. Divided into three, that leaves you with 15 minutes for kvetching, 15 minutes for problem solving and 15 minutes for soothing affirmations of your relationship status. (Adjust as needed, but do not leave out part three! It’s a perfect time for tops and bottoms to reaffirm their DS dynamic so no one walks away feeling less dommly or sadly disobedient/disrespectful. Go ahead, bring out the heavy emotional affirmations like “You’re still my good boy, right?” and “Let’s go into the dungeon so I can show you just how good.”)
Finished way ahead of time? Congratulations! Your relationship wins, go have pie. (Or whatever reward you like best.) Find out you need a lot more time? Congratulations! You have left the stage of complete ignorance and entered the stage of “we need to work this out,” which is a lot better than waiting until someone snaps and acts out. Either way you are better off than you were before.
There is no way to completely avoid talking about relationship issues; even some fictional characters do it every once in a while. But we can use the same skills we use in figuring out physical limits and finding safe, sexy places and times to play to make the whole process seem less like…processing. And more like what it is -- regular maintenance to keep us going happily down the road.
Laura Antoniou is the author of the Marketplace series of erotic novels. A well-known lecturer and presenter, she travels frequently to scold, cajole, amuse and outrage kinky people everywhere. Ask her questions (Laura@lantoniou.com); find her books, travel schedule and other interesting things at www.lantoniou.com.
