Imagine, if you will, that you have finally found that Perfect Someone(s) -- the omega to your alpha, the cream in your coffee, the Supremes to your Diana. After the correspondence, the phone calls, the text messaging, the meetings, the overnights, and finally, the vetting-by-friend/cat/other lovers/mom, you realize that you have indeed hooked up big time. U-Hauls, registering for gifts at Mr. S and/or sharing a checking account might very well be at hand.
Isn’t this the time to give up taking your allergy and blood pressure medications, stop wearing your seatbelt and consider the uses of arsenic as a salad topping?
No?
But wait! You say you had eighteen orgasms in a row last Saturday night and that was just during the hot wax/ice-cream foreplay; your newest slave showed up on time, dressed in their UPS uniform and gave new meaning to the concept of Special Handling; you admitted your military fantasies to your new friend and found yourself playing Raw Recruit until the “raw” part became excruciatingly, terrifyingly, wonderfully painful?
Then it must be the time to give up eating your fruits and veggies! Oh, hell, just give in to the urge and jab yourself in the eye with a sharp stick.
Pretty nonsensical, huh? What does being happy with a new or evolving relationship have to do with taking reasonably good care of yourself?
Everything.
Being kinky used to be a pretty good indicator for having an arrested love life.
In the Neolithic era, there was no ALT.com to advance the potential of hooking up with like-minded perverts, and so many of us were forced to make do with amazingly awkward alternatives such as thinly disguised personal ads in left-wing or porno newspapers and the ever-popular “Um, do you ever have fantasies about pirates?” discussion. (Try carrying that one off these days without doing a movie impersonation. “Bobby, do you like movies about gladiators?”)
Naturally, when people did manage to make a connection and it was Good, caution might have tended to get thrown to the wind in order to capitalize on the opportunity. Hey, if you’ve been lonely and horny for three years and suddenly you have a chance to get your freak on, it’s easy to forget things that sound very rational and sensible in the light of day. OK, three years is an exaggeration. Some people get that way after three days. And this is how we wind up with “accidental” pregnancies, STDs, and all the other side effects of choosing unwisely in a moment of opportunity. Like going home the next morning in your Whore of Babylon party dress, you naughty boy.
Hopefully, you don’t need me -- or anyone else -- to tell you that
Safer Sex is still the way to go for casual/temporary/hopeful sexual encounters with people whom you have not had sufficient time (or inclination) to built trust or exchange medical/social histories. But I know from experience that far too many people out there are more likely to think that liking someone a lot is a great reason to leave out that whole icky condom discussion. (And by the way, condoms are not icky. Have you looked at the variety lately? Hell, even Bed Bath and Beyond carries them, in rainbow colors, various textures, and some come with tingling lubes or little fingertip vibrators right in the box. Rubbers have never been so cool.) Your own decisions about consent and safety should include as much time spent on considering the prevention of transmission of STDs as you do pondering the quick release cuffs, the bull hide versus the deerskin, the half ounce weights versus the Jr. size bowling ball. Always subject to renegotiation, of course! Thank goodness, we’re not always subject to the rules we set up for the first date.
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You might have scoffed at the idea of giving up one’s blood pressure medication because they were in a happy relationship. But if that doesn’t make sense, then why are people giving up their depression meds for the same reason?
Look, we’re all happy when we’re in the flush of new relationships, that’s one of the reasons we stay in them. But happiness is not necessarily the opposite of chemical depression. If you have a prescription medication, do not give it up without first consulting your physician/therapist, and then planning, with them, how you will do that. ‘Cause let me tell you, nightmares, mood swings and sleeplessness will not make the new relationship any more fun. Take good care of yourself so you can enjoy the vast array of sadomasochistic affection you are capable of, with as few distractions as possible.
It’s funny how people on the different ends of the top/bottom spectrum can look at this and hurt themselves without too much effort. Tops, aware of the awesome responsibility of command and creativity they must show, do not like to be reminded to that they need their muscle relaxers or else that old Mistress Elbow will have them leaning on a heating pad all night. And bottoms, especially those in service, might tend toward a self-sacrificing pattern of ignoring or downplaying their health issues in order to appear capable and ready to be of use.
Essentially, we all want to be the right partner for the benefit of the one we love/lust after/like a whole lot; this helps the potential longevity of the relationship. And part of that is wanting to impress them; showing the plumage, in a way. Some may do this by flashing wallets; we flash handcrafted implements of torture. And as we strut and preen for admiration, no one wants to seem weak, or ill, or in need of extra care in any way.
But, seeing as this is the real world, the best way to be at your best is…take care of yourself. Leave the amateur doctoring for role-playing, whether you want to be Nick the Naughty Nurse, Patricia the Perverse Patient or the Darrel, the Demented Doctor of Des Moines.
Instead, think of your health as one of the personal responsibility areas we’re so fond of discussing. Use the dynamics of your relationships to better encourage the trust and reliability you need to be able to make the best choices for yourself and your partner(s). For example, of you have trouble remembering to take a pill, or getting the drive to do your physical therapy, consider ways of having your partner help. You might think that only works for the top to command the bottom, right? (“Take your vitamin, slave! Now!”) But why can’t a top have their bottom “remind” them if necessary? As always, what makes the relationship right is what works for you. Find the right balance for your tastes and use it with enthusiasm. With just a little thought, you can share habits that make you more healthy, happier and better able to take momentary distractions when they come. But as the song says, you have to take good care of
yourself…even if you belong to someone else.
Laura Antoniou is the author of the Marketplace series of erotic novels. A well-known lecturer and presenter, she travels frequently to scold, cajole, amuse and outrage kinky people everywhere. Ask her questions, find her books, travel schedule and other interesting things at www.lantoniou.com.
