While at Thunder in the Mountains this past weekend, I had the opportunity to have my boots shined. Actually, I barely had that opportunity, because leather conferences being what they are, most of my time was spent traveling to my workshops, meeting people and schmoozing with old friends, playing and trying to recover from playing. (And just FYI, Thunder is a fabulous event for playing.)

But at one point while rushing from here to there, I caught a glimpse of a thing of beauty. In a gorgeously clean silver colored hard case was one of the most complete bootblacking kits I had ever seen. Scrupulously shiny cans of polish, saddle soap, waxes and creams, pastes and edge dressing…brushes and cloths and wipes…and amazingly, the yellow grease pencil necessary to brighten up the stitching on a pair of Doc Martins.

I was wearing my Docs. Apparently, my look of longing was so palpable other people noticed me standing there in awe.

In retrospect, I realize it wasn’t just the cute Bootblack, boy jareth. (Denver Bootblack, 2008.) It wasn’t just the pleasurable thought of having my boots tended to ‒ even though I do love that. It was the sight of a man who was prepared to do his best with the best available tools. This bootblack came to buff, baby. And it turned me on.

Proper prep = pure pleasure.

It’s amazing how many people seem to believe that mere intention, or even a strong desire, can substitute for the hard work of actually learning to do something well and continuing to do it in practice. Bottoms often show up bright eyed and eager to do…"Something!" They’re so excited the poor things, ready to serve someone ‒ whatever that means. Yet when asked, “What are you good for?” their eyes glaze over as if asked to name the capital of Sri Lanka*. Tops may show up with a gear bag of tangled cords, cheap sex shop novelty items and ask troubling questions like “Do YOU have a handcuff key by any chance?” but are offended when you ask about their experience. (Although, maybe at that point, you don’t need to ask?)

Woody Allen once noted “86% of life is just showing up,” which is true for those who want to just get through a day. But “just showing up” is passive; it’s an open invitation to polite smiles and forgotten names, a social strategy of sloth. Instead, let’s aim at showing up prepared.

For a bootblack, preparation is relatively simple. You gather your tools, study the techniques, and practice, practice, practice. The same equation works for almost anything you want to learn, whether offered as a service or used in SM and sex play. Making mistakes is part of the journey; finding out that the first thing you learned might have been dreadfully wrong is always an adventure. But whatever you set out to learn, there are some basic tips to help you smooth the way towards eventual expertise.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

It’s a big scene out there, and believe it or not, a lot of people are waiting to help YOU, right now. Hell, some of them don’t bother to wait ‒ they put their stuff right out there for you to find. Go ahead; put the skill you want in the search field of your favorite online engine or bookstore and see what is out there. From the most basic and common skills like cooking, cleaning, fixing things and tying knots to more esoteric and specifically kinky things like making toys, fisting, scarification, training human pets ‒ it’s out there! Of course, caveat internetor; along with good information, there’s a lot of happy crappy spread around like….manure. But one of the benefits of having it all out there is that the sunlight of reality will eventually dry that stuff into manageable dust which will settle back underground, encouraging newer and better crops. (Can you tell I majored in agriculture once?) Discerning the dependable from the doody is all part of the learning process.

Ask your partner what THEY know.

Many tops will be happy to share their specific techniques at bootblacking, and I find that a skilled, experienced bottom is one of the best coaches for an act as intimate as fisting. (You might have to wait a few minutes while they scream, “Yes, yes! Thank you sir/ma’am, thank you, oh, fuck!” to get some feedback on your technique. Or, you can take that as the essential feedback necessary for the moment.)

Ask your friends.

For play and sex related topics, you should probably not ask your friends at work, unless you work here at alt.com. Just be open to the concept that there are experts <everywhere; who knew your cousin could show you how to reconnect the wiring in your remote control box? You don’t have to tell her it is for a vibrator, And your best friend might have zero interest in SM, but will be happy to show you how they make that awesome cranberry nut torte they bring to Thanksgiving, just in time for your Polyamorously Perverse Party and Potluck. (Just try to avoid bragging about how your boys’ boyfriend picked up this hot babe at the Transgender Takedown erotic wrestling contest last weekend, and you are all heading off to the Sausalito Sexy Shaving party next weekend.)

Go out and become an active voyeur!

You can’t turn around these days without finding a leather/kink/SM event somewhere. Local bars, clubs and munches provide places to connect with more people who do your thing, or something like it. Cultivate the appearance of someone who wants to know more, and baby, you will get tons of information. But remember, these might be the same people espousing the One True Way on the internet; if you don’t know them, you don’t know their sources. Keep an open mind and apply healthy doubt now and then to clear the slate.

Consult the Experts!

Some people will learn to cook by experimenting in the kitchen; some will get a basic cookbook. Some will watch Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel. Some will actually go see Anthony Bourdain cook at Les Halles. And some might seek to apprentice with Mr. Bourdain in a kitchen somewhere. You can get advanced cookbooks, too, and if the desire is that strong, you can get paid to cook food for other people.

All of these have their equivalents in the kink community! OK, you can’t go to the kinky version of the Culinary Institute of America ‒ yet. But you can find some excellent books, many basic, some more advanced. You can view some great non-porn learning videos, too, which beats trying to figure out rope bondage from porn by a LONG shot. And you can trot yourself off to a local BDSM group for a night of education or to a Leather conference for a weekend of debauchery AND education together. Watch how people do what you like to do in the dungeons. Ask them ‒ after they are finished playing ‒ how they did that. Take in a class; take two or three.

Becoming an expert in your own kink is one of the many joys in being kinky. You don’t have to be showy; you don’t have to be loud about it. Believe me, as you learn, you will find that some of the best teachers out there are the ones who don’t have to brag. In time, as you gain confidence and skill, you too will attract the curious and the eager-to-learn. Hopefully, you will be as patient and encouraging as people were with you ‒ or more so. And you will find the sight of someone stopped in their tracks by the evidence of your expertise to be exhilarating, I promise you.

I have to go admire my boots now. The yellow stitching looks amazing. Thanks, jareth!










* It’s Sri Jayawardenapura-Kotte, just in case someone DOES ask you.

Laura Antoniou is the author of the Marketplace series of erotic novels. A well-known lecturer and presenter, she travels frequently to scold, cajole, amuse and outrage kinky people everywhere. Ask her questions; find her books, travel schedule and other interesting things at www.lantoniou.com