On the first date, many a woman considers "The Kiss" the deal breaker. If it's good, she's ready to roll. If it's bad, she'll hit the road. And yet apparently, the kiss is love's best kept secret. Men usually want to plow through it; women want to get all up in it. The difference is a timing gap between men, who just need a hint of physical contact, and women, who need time to rev up their fantasies and line their hormones and emotions all in a row.

As science is learning, not only can men be more easily stimulated by physical touch, but their sex drive is more responsive to visual input, say, a flash of bare skin. Women, on the other hand, need fantasy, romance, and good feelings. On top of that, they often need to feel attractive, or appreciated, or desired before getting aroused. These extra needs leave many men shaking their heads, completely baffled.

But the man whose kiss technique massages a woman's need to feel attractive and to fantasize will not only be a successful lover, he will discover that his relationships grow stronger and last longer. If you ask a woman why she has become sexually listless in her relationship, it's a sure bet she'll answer "the romance is gone" or "he doesn't find me attractive any more" or "he takes me for granted." What's more confusing to men is that a woman doesn't necessarily perceive his sexual overtures as a sign of her attractiveness -- she may simply think it's about his hungry penis, nothing more.

Here are two syllogisms to spell out the mismatched chemistry:

*Man needs touch, sight, to get aroused
*Woman needs touch, sight, plus extra time for fantasy to get aroused
*Woman often needs additional affection, appreciation, or sense that she's desirable to get aroused.

*For man, sex equals appreciation and acceptance
*For woman, sex does not equal appreciation/acceptance
*For woman "romance" or "passion" or "affection" equals appreciation/acceptance

Enter the equalizer -- romantic kissing.

What better equalizer than the kiss in all its moments and flavors? It can quell her suspicions about penile imperatives, offer her time to indulge in romance, make her feel wanted and beautiful. Before any clothes come off, a long, arousing kissing session can tell the tale of your affection with plenty of drama and a climax that leaves her wanting more. Knowing all this, you're ready to get down to it.

The story starts out with closeness. Early on in the process of kissing, if you just stop to put your face real close to hers, you are signaling how heavenly it is just to be near her. Move your face along hers, slowly, without touching, so that your breath foreshadows what's in store for her as it tickles her neck and whispers in her ear. Maybe that gentle kiss on the ear could be your first.

Make her wait. Don't bury your tongue in her mouth until you've created some mystique with little pecks and moist pressings. Nine women out of ten will like it, even if they're surprised. The surprise probably comes from the fact that you're the first guy who's taken the time to be so affectionate. If she's the rare woman who doesn't like the wait, she will either make some moves (just be on the alert and follow the cues), or she'll wait until something more to her liking comes along -- and what's going to come along will be well worth the wait.

Once you've worked up to your first deep one, pull away from her mouth, brush her cheek with yours and return to breathing softly against her neck. Give the lady a chance to fantasize about you (and she probably will); give her time to imagine how much you are taken by her. That should be a turn-on. For some women, the kiss is almost as intimate as sex itself.

Since women don't tend to respond to visual cues as predictably and immediately as men, a lady's arousal process can sometimes seem infuriatingly slow to the guy who can see a pair of firm tits and say, "OK, I'm ready." If you're that guy, here's big secret number one: when courting a woman, do not underestimate the element of tease. You can literally tease the juice out of her. Giving each kiss a long languorous build-up will never hurt and you'll rarely go wrong. Women don't get blue balls, and women who want it faster will let you know. If you're a guy who wants to project an air of being in control, here's big secret number two: Many women enjoy a man who's in control, but almost all women enjoy being wanted and appreciated even more. Especially on a first date, if you think of the kiss as a world of its own, a mini sexual encounter, face to face, you'll feel less pressure to be in control. So if you act like your kiss with her is the highest pinnacle of your life on planet earth, you'll make an impression; count on it. And as you're exploring her lips, her tongue, the inside of her mouth, pace yourself.

It's not about knowing the tricks as much as noticing the woman you're with. Learn to tune in to her tiniest reactions and then respond, and you'll have all the "tricks" you need.

Drink in every bit of her: You're right inside her where she's soft and warm. Is she juicy? Does her tongue respond to yours? Is she heating up? Are her lips smooth and tasty? There is a rough and smooth side of the tongue -- use them both and see how she reacts to each.

[to be concluded next week with a series of steps that will kiss her into a frenzy . . .]